Tuesday, May 21, 2013

mom guilt.

[15 weeks pregnant... the bump pictures will come soon, I think]

So I find myself with guilt. Mom guilt. Whenever I go to the store (who are we kidding, its always Target), when cora is napping and I leave her at home with matt... I feel guilt. I feel so bad when I drive away that I could take longer than her nap and that I could miss something super awesome. I know she loves her time with just dad...and he loves it too. But I want to be there all the time AND be able to run off to target :) Matt tells me whenever I leave the house to take my time. I respond with, "umm....yea, sure. ok. but text me as soon as she wakes up." I do not take my time, I am rushed the whole time, frantic, sad, and full of guilt...and I just wish my mini-matt sidekick was right there with me, dangling her tiny legs in the cart. So weird. I try to justify myself out of these bizarre silly feelings but I think I just love her. I love my time with her. I love that my work schedule allows me to have multiple days off with her. I just want to cherish it. So should I feel guilty about leaving her? maybe I should wait to run off to target to when she sleeps at night.

Next guilt? Having a second babe. Eeesh. I feel so bad about this one, like I am cheating on Cora. Ridiculous. But does anyone else feel these things? I love Cora so much, I wanted her so badly... she is my world. She is our little person that we made and we love every single move she makes. And now we are "supposedly" going to love a second tiny human just as much?! I find this hard to believe. I tell Cora all the time she is my favorite. haha. I would die if I thought my parents loved my sister more than me, or vice versa. Its just that we do love her. She is our only child right now, and we love the hell out of her. What will she do with a baby? Will she be scared? Will she feel less loved? Will she fear us (me and tater tot) in the hospital after delivery? Breaks my heart. I felt these same feelings when I was pregnant with Cora. People told me that I would love my child more than my husband- different, but intense, that I would do anything for her. It made me sad. I loved matt so much, and I didn't want that to diminish or for it to be spread thin to another person. Well I was capable of loving two people just as much and just as equally as fierce. I would give anything for either of them. So I suppose we throw one more in the mix. I shouldn't feel guilty. Right?

1 comment:

  1. I think every mom feels guilt! I hate leaving for work, but the boys are so happy with dad all day. Now they know the routine. I get them dressed and bring them down for breakfast. Once I get them in their chairs they say "bye, kiss." And wave at me. It's like they want me to leave :/ well that's not true they just know that I am going to leave. But they anticipate my home coming!!! Anders says around 3:30 they start asking for mommy!!! Love that... I feel the most guilt when I am late and I know they are waiting for me. I don't feel much guilt when I run to the store, I know alone time allows me to be a better mother. But I think all mommy's feel some guilt, we are their mothers, we housed them for 9 months, birthed them, fed them, I think we think they are going to love us less if we aren't there every second!! You will love your second just as just. I love both the boys equally, although I do love one a bit more if the only one is screaming or misbehaving...lol j/k. Try not to feel to much guilt. I think daddy time is amazing and I am so thankful my boys get that daily.


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